


Little Homeworld's Little Bakery

by E350tb



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Baking, Comedy, Fluff, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:53:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28144905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/E350tb/pseuds/E350tb
Summary: Little Homeworld has a baking class!It's going about as well as could be expected.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 24





	Little Homeworld's Little Bakery

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Obligate_Hedonist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obligate_Hedonist/gifts).



> A birthday present for my friend, UwU!

**Little Homeworld’s Little Bakery**

_Monday._

The sight that met Steven Universe resembled the Battle of the Somme.

The little corner shop on the edge of Little Homeworld was full of damp flour, so soggy that it was the consistency of mud. Around the craters of flour were piles and piles of sourdough, set up like sandbags and used by cowering gems as cover. Rolled up balls of dough flew over their heads like grenades, and in the middle of the devastation, Ronaldo was lying face-down; he wasn’t moving.

On the other side, behind the counter, Jasper stood at her full height, a chef’s hat over her helmet and an apron over her uniform. She grinned as she lifted two hands full of crushed meat pies, laughing.

“Tremble under the power of my superior pastries!”

“Jasper, no!” exclaimed Steven, running into the middle of the bakery. “This isn’t what baking is all about! Who’s teaching this class?”

One of the students, a meek-looking Aquamarine, peeked out from behind the sourdough.

“Ms. Amethyst went for a lunch break, ma’am,” she replied, “She left Jasper in cha- _AAAAH!_ ”

She screeched and ducked under the barrage of meat pies.

Steven sighed. “Yeah, I thought so,” he said. “I… look, I think you need to learn the true spirit of baking, Jasper. It’s all about creating and-”

A meat pie slammed into his face.

“Okay,” he said, rubbing the meat shrapnel from his face. “Maybe baking isn’t for you. Have you considered paintball?”

“They won’t let me play paintball,” growled Jasper. “The runts don’t like that I use my fists.”

“...then maybe _don’t?_ ”

* * *

_Tuesday._

The bakery wasn’t on fire when Steven arrived today, and he supposed that was the main thing. He stepped in the door and sighed with relief.

The TA today was Peridot, and she was examining a collection of cakes the students had made. She grinned as she heard the bell ring as Steven strolled in.

“Steven!” she exclaimed. “You’re just in time to see our selection of shipping cakes!”

Steven blinked.

“You what?”

“I decided to cross over my baking assistance task with my fanfiction seminar,” replied Peridot, tucking her hands behind her back. “We’ve been pairing tasteful relationships with tasteful baked goods!”

“Uhh… okay, I guess that’s fun,” nodded Steven.

He followed Peridot as she inspected the cakes. They all looked lovely - some of them had little figures on top, and others had pictures made in the icing. It all looked entirely adorable and entirely delectable.

“Hmm… Pierrcy, very good… Paulacy, that’s _acceptable_ … Amethyst Ocean, a bit _mainstream_ but I’ll allow it… _gasp!_ What is _this?!_ ”

She thrust her finger in the direction of the little Aquamarine’s cake.

“I-it’s Mipcifico, Ms. Peridot.”

“I _know_ what it is!” snapped Peridot. “ _Mipcifico? Are you blind?!_ _Clearly_ Manmip is the _superior_ ship!”

“But in canon they said they were just friends-”

“Well _clearly_ , you haven’t paid attention to the _subtext!_ ” exclaimed Peridot. “You _fail!_ You fail my class! You fail _forever!_ ”

She grabbed the cake and hurled it off in a random direction - never quite realising that that random direction happened to be where Steven was standing.

“ _AAAAAAHHHHHH-_ ”

_Splat._

* * *

_Wednesday._

Steven had come to dread visiting the bakery, but it all seemed normal as he approached. Maybe today Amethyst had gotten a less… _extreme_ TA? He could only hope.

He was surprised to see how dark it was when he entered - the blinds were down, and the lights had been turned off. There was a baby-blue nightlight in the corner, and the class was gathered on a collection of blankets on the floor, formed in a semicircular formation around Lapis. She was softly reading from a big storybook; next to her were a line of cupcakes, placed on pillows.

“Uhhh… Lapis?”

Lapis raised her finger to her mouth. “Shhh.”

Steven stepped closer.

“What is going on?” he whispered.

“It’s naptime,” Lapis replied.

“I… _what_.”

“The cupcakes need plenty of rest if they’re going to grow up big and strong, Steven,” explained Lapis. “So we’re having naptime.”

“Did you… did you just read a bedtime story for the muffins?” asked Steven.

Lapis smiled and nodded.

“I think they liked it.”

“I…”

Steven shook his head.

“Look, nothing’s been thrown at my face today, so I’m just gonna roll with this.”

* * *

_Thursday._

As nice as it was to visit the bakery without being shelled by baked goods, Steven had told Amethyst that Lapis probably wasn’t the right TA for her class. (He was wondering why Amethyst never seemed to be present herself, but then he remembered the class took place around lunchtime, and it all made sense.) When he arrived the next day, he didn’t see any signs of commotion - but he knew now that that didn’t necessarily mean all was well.

He opened the door, only to find the class sitting aimlessly around the bakery’s tables.

“Hey,” he said, “where’s the TA?”

“He’s out back, Mr. Universe,” replied the Aquamarine. “I think he’s grabbing some supplies, but he’s been gone a while.”

“He? Did Amethyst ask Lars? Because that…”

He opened the door to the back and his face fell.

“ _Lion?!_ ”

Lion’s face was buried in a barrel of flour - he looked up, and his face was covered in ghostly white powder. He wore a chef’s hat and a nametag that read ‘Teacher’s Assistant.’ He grunted, annoyed at having his meal interrupted, and went back into the flour.

“Lion, no! That flour’s for the students! _Lion!_ ”

He raced over, grabbing Lion’s head and trying to pull him out of the barrel, but the strong feline didn’t budge.

“Lion! Ugh - come on! Mmph - at least save some for me!”

* * *

_Friday._

It was with great trepidation that Steven approached the bakery that day. He’d considered pretending to be ill, but his horrible, horrible sense of duty had forced him to come.

With a trembling hand, he reached for the door handle. What would he find? Would it be on fire? Would the impressionable gems be being taught how to make a doomsday device? Would the floor be covered in shards and corpses and-

He opened the door.

“Steven! You’re just in time!”

Connie stood behind the counter; she and the class were standing behind trays of strangely textured bread rolls, each smelling as delicious as they looked; which was to say, very delicious indeed.

“Connie!” exclaimed Steven. “ _You’re_ the new TA?”

“Yeah!” replied Connie. “I’m not _great_ at baking but my dad taught me a bit of what he knows. Thought it’d be fun to pass it on!”

“Connie, these smell awesome!” exclaimed Steven, grabbing one of her bread rolls. “Thank goodness, I thought we’d end up with a TA that’d, I dunno, burn down Delmarva or something.”

“Mr. Universe, our baking is fire, but it isn’t _that_ fire,” said the Aquamarine softly.

Steven laughed and took a bit of the bread.

“Mmm! This is great!” exclaimed Steven. “What’s in it?”

“Well, you know, dough and egg,” shrugged Connie. “Corn, pimentos, vinegar, and as the main piece, jalapenos!”

Steven blinked.

“... _jalapenos?_ ”

“Yeah, the recipe said to use three and a half ounces, but I prefer to add another ounce to give it more kick. That’s the way dad does it, and… Steven? Steven?”

Steven was sweating furiously as he felt the heat build in his throats. He smiled, despite the tears building in his eyes, his face reddening.

“...you don’t have a high spice tolerance, do you Steven?”

“At least this time it’s a ‘me’ problem,” replied Steven. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna need _all of the water._ ”

He hobbled over to the sink, placed his head under the tap, and ran the water at full cold blast. Behind him, he could hear the bell ring as somebody came into the bakery.

“ _Weak!_ ” called Jasper.

**The End.**


End file.
